A look back...

On this date eleven years ago, I was walking down the aisle to marry the man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.  It was a beautifully, simple celebration and we were surrounded by loving family and friends.  We were young, a little (ok, maybe a lot) naive and ready to start our lives together as husband and wife. 

Fast forward to a little over a year ago.  A little more than a month before ten years would be celebrated.  The man who I thought I would be with forever dropped a bomb on me.  Apparently, he had been unhappy for quite a while and was not "in love" with me anymore (among many other issues he proceeded to list).  I'm honestly not sure how long my state of shock lasted.  I remember that night clearly, but the days that followed were a blur.  I was emotionally more fragile than I have ever been and it was a scary place to be. As the numbness wore off, I think I felt every emotion one could possible feel.

Anger. Disappointment. Failure. Bitterness. Sadness. Disbelief. Frustration. Shock. Miserable. Unhappy. Weakness. Fear.

When I finally processed the situation,  I offered possible solutions...anything to save what was suddenly falling apart before my eyes.  Every solution was shot down.  His mind was made up and I had to accept that.

The year that has followed that bomb has placed me on paths I never imagined I would take. Some of those paths have been painful to walk down, but the majority of them have led me into the space of some amazing people and places.  I am constantly reminded of the incredible family and friends I have.  Their support and love have helped carry me to my current situation.   And what is my current situation you might ask....

Happy. Amazing. Free. Adventurous. Relief. In Love. Joyful. Content. Brave. Strong.

Bucket List: Item #1 - Hot Air Balloon Ride (part 2)

After a brief rest at the hotel room, my mom and I headed back to the festival site.  The festival itself was a typical small-town festival.  Lots of activities for the kids, a car show, food and not-so-great live music.  Truth be told, we were a bit bored waiting for the 4pm flight.

I checked in and paid for my flight around 3pm and got my pilot assignment.

We sat around for another hour or so until it was time to find my pilot.  This was a little hectic, but we finally found Roger Clark, his wife, Christie and his family and friends who made up the crew.
We talked for a few minutes while waiting for the "OK" to fly.  Once we got the "OK," it was kind of a whirlwind!

The crew picked a spot to unload everything.

photo by LSPhotography

The crew was great about explaining the whole process to me while it was happening.  Then they began to fill the balloon with cold air using a large fan.   

Then the hot fill began...

photo by LSPhotography

photo by LSPhotography

Then it was time to get in the basket.  The warned me that there was no graceful way to get in the basket.  My mom managed to capture this lovely photo of me going in.

photo by LSPhotography

At this point, my mom was brimming with excitement because she found out she could ride in the chase vehicle to take pictures.  I think she was just as excited as I was!

Within minutes, we were slowly lifting off the ground.  It was the most free feeling I have ever felt. 

photo by LSPhotography

photo by LSPhotography

We steadily lifted higher and higher and higher.

Roger and his wife were super nice and we had a wonderful conversation that jumped all over different topics.  He was great at explaining the details of how a hot air balloon works and how they are made.  Incredibly fascinating!  They were also kind enough to just let me take in the whole experience when I needed to. Just thinking back to it, I still get a little choked up.  It was a truly exhilarating experience that I would do again in a heartbeat. And, quite honestly, words don't do it justice, so I will show you more pictures from high above...

At some point we found out that the name of the balloon I was flying was "Ruah." The term "Spirit" translates the Hebrew word ruah, which, in its primary sense, means breath, air, wind.  How incredibly fitting for where I was mentally and spiritually at the time.

After landing in a small neighborhood (can you imagine seeing a hot air balloon land in front of your house?!), the team deflated the balloon and packed it up for the trip back to the festival site.

 

We piled into the pick-up truck and began the trek back.  Once we arrived at the festival site, we said our good-byes to the crew and mom and I headed to find dinner before the scheduled Balloon Glow.  We found one of the restaurants we saw in the downtown area earlier and had a delicious dinner!   We soon headed back to the festival for the Balloon Glow.  All of the hot air balloon crews set up their balloons right before dusk.  As the sun sets, they begin introducing each balloon and it's owner, etc.  When they are announced, they make the balloon "glow."  They do all kinds of different "glows" (twinkles, one at a time, etc).  It is such a beautiful sight!

I have already determined that I will definitely take another hot air balloon flight.  It was well worth the money and is truly an experience that I will treasure forever.

Bucket List: Item #1 - Hot Air Balloon Ride (Part 1)

On November 2, 2012, I left work and got on the road to Charleston to meet up with my mom.  We got situated in her car and started the trek to Anderson, SC for the Balloons Over Anderson Hot Air Balloon Festival.  It took us about 4 hours to get to our hotel where we settled in for the night.

We got up at the crack of dawn with plans to find the festival site and watch the morning flight of balloons take off.  I was scheduled to fly in the afternoon flight, so this would help us get a layout of the land so that we could plan for the afternoon.  After getting very lost and mistakenly thinking that the water tower (in the shape of a hot air balloon!) was the festival site we finally figured out where to go.  I'm a little ashamed to admit that we managed to pass it at least 3 times in our search!!  oops.

We bundled up and worked up the nerve to get out of the car.  I had definitely not come prepared for the brisk, FREEZING temperatures we were encountering that morning.  We finally made the plunge and got out of the car to head to the festival site.  It was still dark and relatively quiet when we arrived, but that all changed pretty quickly.  The trucks and vans started rolling in and the balloon crews began unloading the baskets and the balloons.  It was all incredibly fascinating!!  The crews finally received the word that the wind and weather conditions were suitable for the flights to take place.  That's when they started filling the balloons...first with cool air from a fan and then with the heat of the fire.

 

I heard a woman tell her granddaughter that the balloons were like giants waking up as they were filled.  What a perfect analogy!  And then the first balloon lifted off -- then the second -- then the third -- soon they were all off the ground!  I was completely awestruck!  It was like being in a dream as all of the balloons lifted off and floated away.

 

After all of the balloons were small dots in the sky, my mom and I made the executive decision that we needed hot coffee to warm our bodies up.  We decided to go exploring since we had quite a bit of time before my 4pm flight and the festival had not really kicked up yet.  We made our way to the historic downtown area and got some mediocre coffee from a local shop.  After finishing our coffee, we decided to walk around and enjoy the downtown area.

I thought it was so cool that they had these engraved quotes on the sidewalk all through the downtown area.

 My mom and I found some new friends...

photo by LSPhotography

photo by LSPhotography

And we enjoyed some the local scenery before grabbing lunch and hitting the local Goodwill.

photo by LSPhotography

photo by LSPhotography

 Then it was time to prepare to go back to the festival for my flight! 

My Bucket List

In July, a few months after my world was shattered, I began picking up the pieces and re-shaping my world.  On my birthday, I actually volunteered for a local ultra-marathon. Yup...I know...I lead such an exciting life!  But it actually ended up being a fabulous birthday.  What was supposed to last just a few hours ended up lasting the entire day!  It was during that time that I re-connected with local runner, Gary, who happened to be facing some of the same challenges as me.  After the race, we began chatting and it was during these chats that he challenged me to look at my bucket list and GET STARTED!  And, so I did. Thank you, Gary, for continuing to inspire me to live my life to its fullest!

So, without further ado, here is my Bucket List.  No, this is not a complete list - it is definitely a work in progress. 

~ Take a Hot Air Balloon Ride - DONE! Soooooooooo AMAZING! I'll definitely be posting a recap soon!

~ See the Boston Pops Orchestra live

~ Swim with the manatees

~ Run a marathon

~ Swim under a waterfall

~ Visit Mt. Rushmore

~ Visit each of the United States and eat a cupcake in each one  :)

~ Visit Niagara Falls

~ See a concert at Carnegie Hall

~ Attend the Olympics

~ Travel to Israel

~ Travel to Paris

~ Visit the Grand Canyon

~ See the Northern Lights

~ Go on a cruise

My Goals for 2013

As the New Year approaches, I am already seeing blog posts, Facebook posts and hearing people talk about their New Years Resolutions.  Many years ago, I made a resolution to NOT make any more resolutions!

Instead, I like to set goals for myself for each year.  I'm a "word" person and the word "GOAL" seems so much more positive and do-able than the word "RESOLUTION."

Hey, don't judge...it works for me!

So, here are my goals for 2013:

~ Enjoy more live music
   After seeing some great live shows this year, both classical and not-so-classical, I was reminded of how refreshing it is to hear awesome live music.  I definitely need to seek out more of it!

~ Take more trips to visit my out-of-town friends

~ Run a marathon (maybe this will be the year to accomplish this goal!) 
   I guess I need to figure out which marathon will be my goal...hmmm.

~ Run 2-3 half marathons

~ Run multiple 5k and 10k races
   Hoping to do lots of the local races that I missed this year!

~ Work on my organization skills
   At times and with certain things, I am super organized.  With others, I am super unorganized.  So it's time for the unorganized to find some organization. 
 
~ Continue working on my bucket list (more to come about this...)
   I crossed one item off my list this year and it was AMAZING!  I can't wait to cross more items off! 

~ Work my Mary Kay business the way it's supposed to be worked

What are your goals for the new year? 

A Midwest Experience ~ Confirmation

I recently attended the Midwest Band & Orchestra Clinic in Chicago, IL which is always an amazing experience for all band and orchestra directors who get to attend.  I will be sharing some of the professional and personal experiences from my awesome trip this year.

A Midwest Experience ~ Confirmation

On our last evening in Chicago, I was engaged in a lively discussion about my possible choice in graduate/masters work.  Let me preface this with telling you that I haven't even begun to research schools for this.  But, it has become quite the hot topic of conversation with others who are beginning to push me to make the jump into my masters degree.  So, for years, I have wanted to do my masters work in Curriculum and Assessment.  Yes you read that correctly.  Not music.  General education Curriculum and Assessment.  I know, I know...apparently, this is a travesty according to some of my fellow music educators, especially the ones who work at the collegiate level.

So, back to this conversation.  The gentleman I was speaking to is a collegiate band director and, of course, he went there.  I had already learned that he quite the "sparrer" when it comes to conversation about any topic; he likes to play Devil's Advocate and does it to truly make you think about what you're saying and not necessarily to offend you.  So, when he asked me about my master's degree and I responded, he took it and ran and ran.  And he made quite a few valid points, although, he did manage to twist my words a bit so that he could play the Devil's Advocate.  And, I admit, that at some point in the conversation, I just kind of shut down.  I sometimes have a hard time expressing myself vocally in those kinds of situations and I find it in my best interest to listen and nod so as not to become a twisted mess of words.  And, if I'm being completely honest, he did make me think...but he also made me realize that I am more confident in my choice than I thought I was. He actually led me to the confirmation I have been looking for. 

Apparently, my lack of desire to study music education could be seen as offensive to other music educators.  And my lack of desire to learn more music theory and conducting is detrimental for my students' education and for me as a music educator.  And don't I realize that if I do a masters in music education, I would probably only have to take ONE theory class, etc, etc.   Then I made the mistake of saying that I wanted something to "fall back on" other than music education.  Apparently, this would be offensive to many music educators since music is what they fell back on. The argument continued.

Here's my take on it.

I love music.  I love education.  They are my life and my passions.  Anyone who knows me knows this.  On the other side of the coin, I truly enjoy learning about Curriculum and Assessment...but NOT just in the realm of music education.  You see, I was first inspired to look at this path by a Curriculum Specialist who had a background in Visual Arts.  I watched her make the Fine Arts relevant to the core educators in my small, rural school.  She was able to encourage and support them in incorporating the arts into their classrooms.  And she was able to encourage and inspire me to challenge myself as a Fine Arts teacher.  She was able to fight for the arts in a different way, from a different position.

This is what I would enjoy doing if I wasn't a band director.  So many times, we music educators get caught in our big bubble of music education and we can't understand why those people outside of our bubble (administrators, core teachers, guidance counselors, etc) don't "get" us.  We can't see past our bubble and they can't see inside our bubble, nor can they understand why we're in our bubble and what's so special inside there.  And, so we are left fighting the same fight every school year.  We are constantly fighting for others to recognize the importance of our Fine Arts in the schools.  

When you have someone who is educated on Curriculum and Assessment AND has a Fine Arts background, I think it would start to open more doors for others in the Fine Arts.  I want to be able to make Fine Arts relevant to other educators and administrators.  Sometimes, to gain the respect of those that are not in our specific field, we have to cross over into their fields.  Not many are willing to do this.  Who better to break down the importance of the Fine Arts to a core educator that someone who has studied and respects BOTH the Fine Arts and the Core Curriculum.

Will my students suffer from my lack of a Masters Degree in Music Education or Music Theory or Conducting?  I don't think so.  I am a damn good teacher, but I am well aware that I have much to learn and I am constantly finding learning opportunities so that I can become a better music educator.  I don't have to have a Masters Degree in some kind of music in order to continue being a great music educator.  

And, in the end, who cares if someone is offended by my reasons for furthering my education in the direction that makes me happy? Who cares if I am not taking what is considered the "normal path" beyond my bachelors degree?  Why should anyone care if I want something a little different to fall back on?  I am a music educator.  Not only is it my job to educate children in the field of music, but I also feel responsible for educating my "education peers" about the importance of music education and the other fine arts.  I am going to pursue what makes ME happy and content. 

Grand Re-Opening of Dolce. Con Spirito.

A lot can happen in a year and a half...and it truly has for me.  My life has changed in so many ways and it has been a tough road with lots of road blocks and speed bumps.  I'm in a very different place now and it is time for my blog to reflect that place. 

So, I declare this the official grand re-opening of this blog.  Here is what to expect in the near future:

First of all....why Dolce. Con Spirito?  - The title of the blog is taken from musical terms. Dolce means "sweetly."  Con Spirito means "with spirit; brilliantly."  I feel this is a pretty good description of me and my life.

I love music and education, so I will be sharing my thoughts and opinions and maybe even a few stories from my experience as a band director. 

I love running...most of the time...and I enjoy working out...most of the time!  As I explore new workouts and hopefully begin training for my first marathon, I plan to share those with you, too. 

I love cupcakes.  They've become a bit of an obsession.  (Which means I really need to workout and run more...)  Any time I visit a new city or state, I am on the hunt for a cupcake shop to try out.  So, because I'm such a nice person, I'll be sharing my opinions about said cupcake shops.

And, of course, I'll be sharing some of the goings-on in my life.  Some things you might find interesting; others you'll probably want to skim over and that is perfectly fine with me.

So, welcome back to anyone who was already following me and welcome to anyone who is visiting for the first time!  

Beautiful You - Day 17

(Days 15 and 16 are in the works and will be posted out of order...)

Replace What You Heard

As I've mentioned in a past post, I really can't blame my negative body image on anyone but myself. Nobody has said negative things to me and scarred me in any way. Nope, I get to blame myself for those feelings. So, I'll re-name this one:

Replace What You THINK.

And I'm doing a much better job of that!! I've made it a point to think positively when I look in the mirror. Is this an easy task all the time? NO! While it may be a challenge at times, the more I do it, the more naturally it comes. When a negative thought sneaks in, I'm getting better at replacing it with something positive or at least something a bit more neutral.

A Grateful Heart

In November, my lovely , beautiful friend, Jillian from Family Rooted In Love dedicated her blog to "Grateful Hearts." She had many guest bloggers (including yours truly) discuss what they were grateful for in their lives.

I was honored when Jillian asked me to contribute to the Grateful Heart series. It would be my first blogpost ever and that was exciting and a bit scary!

Recently, this post has been on my mind and I thought it was worth repeating why my heart is grateful. My reasons have not changed and I am reminded daily of the blessings in my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Grateful Heart

This post has plagued my mind for quite some time now. Like others, I had a hard time picking just one person or thing that I’m grateful for. Every time I came up with an idea, I would feel like I was leaving somebody or something out. I know, I know…it’s really not that tragic! It’s just a blog post, right?

Last year around this time, I attended a regional forum for district teachers of the year. As the “Former” District Teacher of the Year for my district, I was invited to attend with the current winner. Bryan Coburn, the South Carolina Teacher of the Year at the time, would be leading the forums this year. Bryan had been my “competition” the year before and we became buddies during the various forums and meetings before he won the title and I was looking forward to hearing what he had to say to us (not to mention his amazing dry sense of humor that always had me rolling!)

The wisdom that he gave us that day has given me a new outlook on each day that I wake up here on Earth. The short version of what he talked about:

- Use Mondays to your advantage – we typically dread Mondays, but we shouldn’t. Each Monday gives us a new week in which we have 7 days to make a difference in someone’s life.

- Positive Thinking = Positive Outcomes. We should surround ourselves with positivity.

At this point, you’re probably asking yourself “what in the world does this have to do with A Grateful Heart? And why has Jillian asked this woman to write a blog post?”

Ok. Here it is. My heart is grateful for all of the positive things in my life. I have chosen to surround myself with positive people and positive things in order to make myself a more positive person.

I am Grateful for My Music – Music is my life. Without it, my world would be pretty cold and dreadful.

I am Grateful for My Husband – Michael has accepted me for me – all of the good, the bad and even the ugly imperfections. He supports my crazy schedule, he believes in my dreams and he loves me unconditionally. What more could I ask for??

I am Grateful for My Family – I have this wonderful, supportive family that believes in me and every crazy thing I put on my schedule. They are always there for me no matter what I ask of them.

I am Grateful for My Friends – these wonderful friends of mine support my in every way possible. They give me their shoulders to lean on (and cry on), they hold my hand through the tough times, they celebrate my victories, they listen to my crazy ideas and ramblings, they coach me in my running, they love me for who I am, they teach me amazing life lessons, they help me find my way when I am lost and they are just the most wonderful people in the world.

I am Grateful for My Faith – My journey in faith has been an unusual one. Most people don’t quite understand it – sometimes even I was a little confused by it. But on this journey, I’ve learned to trust in G-d and He will provide. Even though my outlook may be slightly different than others, that is how He created me and I have to trust in that.

I am Grateful for My Children – The “Walker Kids” are something else. I knew that when I went into the teaching profession that children would touch my life in all kinds of ways…little did I know they would end up being truly “my children”…to the extent that they call me “mom” all the time. They have proven that family doesn’t always share a name or a skin color or even a background. Families are created in love and trust and hope…

I am Grateful for My Running – Admittedly, I have a love-hate relationship with running. I love running for the fitness and the accomplishments and the ability to raise money for charities. But running kicks my butt, so I sometimes claim to hate it…but I’m lying. I really do love it!

I am Grateful for My Students – My crazy, unique, talented students. They teach me new things every day. I love them for who they are and who they are going to be. They make me proud, even when they’re driving me a bit crazy!

I am Grateful for My Mondays – Yes. Mondays. Each Monday brings a clean slate. It brings a new week in which I get to consciously make the choice to make a difference in someone’s life. It brings a new week in which I get to think positively and hopefully influence others to do the same.

Beautiful You - Day 14

"Have You Lost Weight?"

Day 14 encourages the reader to banish the question "Have you lost weight?" from your vocabulary.

I stopped asking this question quite a while ago. I learned from personal experience that it is much more positive to give someone a compliment than to ask that question. That question has a very negative connotation.

Instead of asking that question, try a positive compliment:

"You look fabulous!"

"You're glowing!"

"That color looks great on you."

This will be an easy one! What are some more positive compliments we can use?!

Beautiful You - Day 13

Defining Beautiful

The dictionary definition of the word "BEAUTIFUL" looks like this:

beau·ti·ful

/ˈbyutəfəl/ Show Spelled[byoo-tuh-fuhl]

–adjective

1. beauty; having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind: a beautiful dress; a beautiful speech.

2. excellent of its kind: a beautiful putt on the seventh hole; The chef served us a beautiful roast of beef.

3. wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying.

My definition of the word "BEAUTIFUL:"

~ strong
~ passionate
~ empowered
~ confident
~ intelligent
~ courageous
~ inspiring
~ brave

What is your definition of "BEAUTIFUL?"

Beautiful You - Day 11 & 12

You are not your body and your dissatisfaction is not about your body...

These two days have been hard to respond to for me, which is why it's been so long since I've posted.

I don't have any deep, dark secrets or trauma or crazy events that have lead to my dissatisfaction with my body. I had a pretty normal childhood. I grew up as a Navy brat with both parents until they divorced my senior year. While that was a pretty defining time in my life, I didn't develop body issues because of it, nor do I feel I was totally traumatized by it.

I went on to college and had a pretty calm college experience. I actually participated in beauty pageants while I was in college (yes...me...pageants...!). I was told by the judges that I had a lot of potential in the pageant circuit, although one said that I probably needed to do something about the weight on my thighs. Coincidentally, that's one of my "problem areas" now. But, at the time, I absorbed that comment and moved on. Again, I don't see it as a traumatizing moment in my life. I had pretty thick skin and dealt with the comment and moved on with my life. I never won any of the pageants...I didn't even place or win any of the talent competitions. I did manage to win Miss Congeniality at one of the pageants and I think that's when I realized that the pageant scene wasn't for me! I was perfectly happy being Miss Congeniality rather than Miss WhateverFestival or MissWhateverTownOrCity! I will tell you that being in the pageant scene for the short time I was involved was an incredible boost to my confidence. I knew that if I could walk around on a stage in a bathing suit and high heels in front of hundreds of people, I could do ANYTHING!!! And when I got all dolled up in my evening gowns, I actually felt quite beautiful.

When I got married, I was quite happy with my body. As time passed, I gained the typical pounds that I guess come with being comfortable and letting your guard down with your significant other. I slowly became unhappy with my body. My weight fluctuated slightly (in my eyes it was more than slightly, but isn't that always the case?). I gradually became unhappy with the changes in my body. The unhappiness would go away when I was working out regularly and my body reflected those workouts. It would return when my body reflected my lack of workouts.

After all of that, I think my unhappiness/dissatisfaction with my body directly relates to this "perfect" body image that I have in my head. Where did this image come from? I think it's a combination of the bodies of women who I feel have "amazing and perfect" bodies along with some of the women/girls that my husband has photographed (they all seem to be "skinny" and beautiful). I compare all of these bodies to my own and there are a lot more contrasts than comparisons. This is where my frustration sets in and I start to beat myself up.

I do realize that my dissatisfaction is not totally about my own body but about not reaching that "perfect" body image that I have engraved in my head. I need clean that slate off and realize that the strengths I possess are much more valuable than that crazy image.

Beautiful You - Day 10

Positive Memories...

What do you appreciate most about yourself? What are you confident about? What is the first positive memory you have of yourself?

Despite my body image issues, there are a few things that I actually do appreciate about myself. Physically, I love my eyes. I love the colors they are and how they speak my emotions so clearly. I love my hands. Yes...my hands. Not only do I like how they are shaped, but I love that my musical talent flows through them.

I am most confident about my musical and teaching abilities. When I have my flute in my hands and am making music, I can forget about all of my stress and troubles and woes. It transports me to another world where everything is good. On the other hand, I know that I am called to teach. When I see a child's eyes light up because they "get it?" Yeah...that's one of the best feelings in the world. And to see students who had no exposure to different musical experience grow to love and appreciate a diverse repertoire of music? It's a beautiful thing and my heart grows full just thinking of it!

I honestly can't remember what my first positive memory is of myself so I'll talk about some of my most "memorable" positive memories.

My college senior recital - Not only did I feel beautiful that day, but I felt accomplished. I knew that I performed to the best of my ability and that I had showcased my talent in a positive way. I knew that I made my family and friends proud and that I was proud of myself! It was also one of those defining steps on the path of my college career that lead to graduation and the real world.

My wedding day - Again, I felt beautiful on the inside and out. I knew I was marrying an amazing man and was confident in that decision. I loved my dress, my hair and my make-up. I felt absolutely incredible walking down the aisle to one of the most important men in my life flanked by two of the other most important men in my life, my brother and my "father," Jay Watkins. My family and friends were there to support and be part of our day and I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day.

Completing my first race - What a feeling of exhilaration that was when I completed the Cooper River Bridge Run with my fabulous friend, Theresa!! I felt on top of the world; as if I could accomplish anything! Did I feel physically beautiful at the time...absolutely NOT (I just ran 6.2 miles!)!! But the strength I felt was amazing.

Completing my first 1/2 marathon - Again - the feeling of exhilaration! I ran 13.1 miles! And I did it all by myself! Yes, that's an amazing feeling and the emotions that come along with it are quite overwhelming. Did I feel physically beautiful after this race? I think I did - because at that point, I felt that a body that could accomplish that feat HAD to be beautiful!

Dork.

Apparently, Day 9 really spoke to me since I decided to blog about it TWICE! HA! When did I realize this? This morning when I saw an email in my inbox with a comment about Day 9, which was the same title as a comment over a week ago. What's great is that I even copied and pasted the list from the 1st Day 9 post into the 2nd Day 9 post. Yup...I'm a dork. Oops!

Day 10 will be coming soon!

Beautiful You - Day 9

What Are My Words Really Saying?

- My thighs are too big.
- My stomach is getting rounder.
- I wish I was 10 lbs lighter.
- I wish I was the size I was when I got married.
- I wish I was as the size of "those" girls.

So, these are some of the things I catch Beulah saying or thinking about me.

Why do I say these things? What are my emotions when I say them?

These statements are born out of frustration and unhappiness. As I mentioned before, I've got my own "Standards of Beauty" and I get so frustrated when I look in the mirror and see that I am not reaching those standards. I know that it's time for me to set new standards...standards that are more realistic and positive. And, honestly, those new standards are starting to sneak their way into my inner dialogue and it's fascinating to feel the difference when I look in the mirror.

Perfect

So, one of my favorite songs lately has been "Perfect" by Pink. The words resonated with me, especially now that I've started this blog.

I finally thought to look up the video for the song and I must say that I'm even more taken with the song now than I was before for a lot of different reasons.

Here's an article explaining Pink's reasoning for this song and the video:

http://www.popeater.com/2011/01/22/pink-message-to-baby/


And here's the clean version of the song with the video:
(warning: one slightly graphic part and deals with the issue of cutting)

Beautiful You - Day 9

What are my words really saying??

Some of the things I say or think about myself.

- My thighs are too big.
- My stomach is getting rounder.
- I wish I was 10 lbs lighter.
- I wish I was the size I was when I got married.
- I wish I was as the size of "those" girls.


Hmmm. So, what do these words really mean? I think most of my problem is that I hold myself to certain "standards" of beauty. And, honestly, it's not just a "Hollywood standard of beauty," as Rosie suggests in her book. It's really just standards that I've come up with. I look at women who have gained the attention of certain people and feel a certain jealousy because I don't feel I share the same qualities, whether it be my weight or general appearance. Sometimes these women are famous starlets and sometimes they're just regular women that I meet in passing or through someone else.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only woman who has come up with her own standards of beauty. And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only woman who can't reach her own standards of beauty. I need to re-evaluate my standards. The standards in my brain right now are not healthy standards for ME.



And, for the record, Beulah has only reared her ugly head about 3 times. Not bad!

Beautiful You - Day 8

Self-Appreciation Jar

This jar is now sitting on my vanity.
For every negative thought or comment Beulah has about me, I will add either a quarter or a positive note.

Beautiful You - Day 7

Ah, yes. The inner critic that I just posted about yesterday needs a name. She's such a nag and just not nice at all. She's my biggest enemy. And, she needs a name.

hmm...


Brunhilda?
Gertrude?
Bertha?
Olga?
Beulah?


I think I'm leaning towards Bertha or Beulah. What do you think?? =)

Beautiful You - Day 6

Ditch the "Fat Chat." Stop the "Body Bashing."

This is an interesting concept for me. For me, it's not so much the "chat" that I have an issue with but. Typically, I keep quiet about myself if others are "fat chatting." I try to keep a pretty positive attitude when around others because I know that negativity breeds negativity no matter what the situation. I also realize that this chatter usually is with women who see me as very thin and fit and healthy even though I don't always feel that way. I learned early on that if I mentioned my body image issues, I was immediately refuted and dismissed due to their vision of me.

"Body bashing," on the other hand, is what I need to work to get rid of. While I am very quiet about my feelings about my body on the outside, the voices on the inside are usually shouting and not very nice. I have got to work on quieting those voices and turning them into positive thinking. I have to learn to stop myself when I feel inclined to put myself down and when I hear those negative thoughts taking over. I need to kill those negative thoughts with positivity and strength.